Honesty

Sometimes it is easier to be honest in places you think no one is listening.
Sometimes I worry if anyone else I know will find my inner thoughts.
I miss that anonymity. I wonder if someone I know in person is able to find my personal blog (here!) and been reading it without me knowing. (I am terrified!) Social media has made it easier to stalk me.
But then again, I don’t think anyone would want to stalk me. (Why would you?)
(Should I disappear again?)

Today was not a good day.
I find my insecurities and negativity trying to come back into my life.
People around me think that I am super positive (but behind every positive person lurks negative thoughts). I have battled them long enough.

My insecurities
are eating me like a cookie
one tasty bite
at a time
leaving me incomplete
and never
whole
My rough corners
unsmoothed
unwanted
alone

I want to surround myself with positive and new experiences!

I need new friends! My social circle has changed a bit and I find myself missing an anchor again. When my single friends get attached, suddenly I am left adrift on the sea again. I am honestly happy for them but guess I am back to square one.

Honesty

Maybe

It is easier to pretend that I don’t care as long as you’re not in my mind.
Is it better to have known and cherished than not to remember a thing? A lie.
The way my heart twists at the thoughts of what we once were.
Strangers to friends and once friends and now strangers.
I rather not have known you at all.
Thank you for being the light
in my gloom
But I rather have not known you
if you were never coming back
to my arms.

*As a INFP, I do find myself imagining myself in other people’s shoes. Most of the time, I write fiction based on these emotions and imagination.

I have been neglecting my social media because my phone is dead. I am using a temporary phone for now. It just is not the same. 3 more months before I can get a new one… and I am thinking of buying the iPhone.

I miss writing.

Maybe

Cupmb writing challenge – Smooth

Edit: Updated http://topsekkrit.ninja/

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Smooth

Life comes with bumps. Like how calm seas have waves. Or finding angles between the curves. As mum always says, “you gotta take the rough with the smooth”. Though there was only so much my three year old self could recall and understand when she said that, as she took another swig of whiskey from the bottle while eating tofu. She was obsessed with it. Tofu that is. Tofu that “smoothens and whitens your skin”, she says, tofu that is “good for your health”, tofu that “keeps you slim”. Tofu, smooth as silk, as it glides down your throat. Mum just kept eating that and only that. Mum left, when I was six. The taste of bean curd left a sour taste in my mouth. It always reminded me of soggy wet toilet paper and quiet tears.

Now eighteen, eager and ready to take on the world, I packed the last of my belongings in my trusty old red suitcase. There was little that I treasured – my grandmother’s ring, an old poetry book, a camera, postcards from my friends and my stuffed bunny named Valentino. My clothes, as some people have already informed me, were from the past or in their words “like what their great great great grandmother wore”. They were not wrong in their comments. I simply get my clothes from the boxes in my attic; whenever I needed something new to wear. And although I did not know about my ancestors or relatives, they certainly loved fashion and clothes. It feels like a wonderland whenever I step into that space. It was a world forgotten where time has stopped.

I smoothen the pleats on my dress. Today, it was checkered pastel blue and white.

Cupmb writing challenge – Smooth

Waku Waku

I attended Arashi’s Waku Waku Gakkou twice and here’s a comparison on the 3 shows. 😀

Nino’s rice planting: Aiba & Yamada (Sat), Jun & Arioka (Sun 10am), Ohno & Chinen (Sun 4pm).

Ohno’s 大お茶会: Nino (Sat), Yamada (Sun 10am), Sho (Sun 4pm).

Aiba’s mochi pounding: Jun (Sat), Nino (Sun 10am), Aiba (Sun 4pm).

Secret Talk: Wish, Love So Sweet, Beautiful Days.

I also got all the fan merchandise they were selling despite planning not to do so.

Waku Waku

new magick

9. If you meet someone you find enchanting, tell him or her as sincerely and gracefully as you can. It doesn’t matter if she or he doesn’t understand.

If only I had homework like this. I’m inspired.

My head is always in the clouds. I am an impulsive shopper; following my heart and not my head.

I feel like taking up photography. As I grow older, I am looking back. I want to keep this moment.

People I’ve loved. People I could love. And everything in between. There is beauty everywhere I turn.

I wish I could remind everyone how beautiful they are in my eyes.

new magick

pearls (10 minute challenge)

When words are strung
In a pretty line
Like a necklace
Of self-worth
Adorning
Your neck.
Diamonds that cut
Deep into
Flesh
They glitter and shine
Proud
And there.

The autumn breeze twists into her braids; tendrils of hope, love and happy thoughts. She paints a romantic picture; a silly smile that makes her glow and a step that treads lightly on the warm and wet earth of august. She has pearls on her hair and around her neck. Her layered whites and offwhites reminds me of a fairy from the woods.

pearls (10 minute challenge)

Vogue

chuck-et-blair
(I absolutely love Blair’s Oscar de la renta dress. <3)

Clothes maketh the man.

Recently, I have been exploring new ways to expand and reinvent my style. Fashion or clothes has always been important to me. What we wear on a daily basis is empowering. It expresses who we are inside to the world. It gives me confidence when I wear what I love and helps to define part of my identity. I give thanks to be blessed enough where I am able to wear what I like and have enough choices in my current wardrobe (well tbh forever lost in a battle of finding enough space to put in my new purchases). And for those who have known me long enough, my style is along the lines of the romantic, cute, princess-y look. I have a dress rack filled with dresses in different colours, cute japanese fashion pieces (inspired by Lolita, Otome kei, fairy kei, mori kei etc.) and lots of skirts. I hate jeans and pants! I love anything with ribbons, polka dots, tulle and food prints. However, I realize of late, that a part of me is growing up.

I am trading my cutesy fashion into something else. I am not quite sure what it is yet but I am no longer happy with the style I used to love. In a way, I am glad. I am excited! I still dress in Lolita fashion but I know this change is good. My body has changed. I cannot wear the same things I wore 10 years ago.

Lolita fashion has been a big influence in my life. It was difficult for my parents and perhaps the world to accept it initially (I faced their disapproval and negative feedback) but it did help me grow in many ways, in particular it contributed to my self-image and confidence over the years. I was absorbed in its intricacies for more than 8 years. I’ve been obsessed with it and now I am finally in a place to let it go. Well not entirely, I still love it and dress in it regularly but it is not my main style. I am ready to retire it to the backseat.

In my current journey to find my new self, I am looking at clothes. I am devouring books about fashion, reading vogue, following fashion related instagrams and blogs in order to educate myself. There are still many things I want to explore and learn about myself such as picking up a new hobby and visiting new places. But first and foremost, I realized now how important clothing is to me. It is a clue of who I am, want to be and what I can be.

I will definitely update more on my blog on self-discovery process.

Vogue

Party like it was 1999

I saw the backstreet boys live in concert last weekend and it was AMAZING. Back when I was in primary school, I was one of those anti-pop kids until my Dad gave me my first backstreet boys album (Millenium) in 1999. (Okay technically he gave me Britney Spears’s CD as well but BSB is everything okay!) They were my “first loves” when it comes to music and trust me when I say that I only have a handful of favourites. My favourite musicians (that I go crazy for) include Arashi, Pentatonix, Darren Criss, Chris Colfer and Nathan Hartono. I grew up listening to the Carpenters (awesomest!), Boys II Men (the best!), Michael Learns to Rock (I can sing their songs by heart) and of course pop acts in the 90s. Though I consider musical artistes in a different category of their own (Lea salonga, kristin chenoweth, ramin karimloo & aaron tveit <3). I enjoy listening to the oldies. I cannot believe my luck (or God’s Grace) that I won tickets for a Edith Piaf Concert tribute show and Pitch Perfect 2 premiere tickets! Booya! Okay abrupt change of topic but I tried eating oatmeal today after years of hating it and it was awesome! I added apples, cinnamon, walnuts and a dash of honey and raisins. I hate my cellulite! I need to get rid of those fat on my tummy, thighs and arm. :( I am starting on a detox since I am not really happy with how I look currently. I am planning on a juicing diet for breakfast, light lunch and avoid or minimal carb dinners. And naturally I need to exercise. I always feel awkward in the gym but like my brother said everyone is too busy to notice you. I am crossing my fingers my resolution sticks through the week!

Party like it was 1999

Revival

Dearest blog,

I have been good (well in a figure of speech), I honestly have not drank for quite a while. But the past 2 days, I have quite my fill of wine (both red and white) and sparkling (moscato)! Yum! I attended a dinner and dance on Thursday and wedding on Friday.

Both days, I felt terrible underdressed because of my lack of makeup skills and mood to dress up. When I am feeling tired or down, I can’t seem to find the energy to dress up. I should not let it bother me but I have reached a standstill. My new pet project is to revive my style.

For those who know me, I love all things girly (think ribbons, pastels and polka dots), vintage and sophisticated (think simple, clean, minimalistic). I usually dabble in Japanese inspired fashion such as lolita, mori kei and otome kei. It has become predictable and I think it bores me. It is time to explore more styles to mix and match.

I have been inspired by Blair Waldorf’s wardrobe as well. And I do love shopping! It is something I will look forward to occupy my time with. I have also been enjoying fashion related (and manners) books. I have yet to pick up Tim Gunn’s books but I plan to do it soon. (Gosh I have a stack of books due that I have yet to return).

Weddings are a wonderful affair. I feel truly blessed to attend a fellow Lolita’s wedding and it was beautiful. The couple were adorable and I had great company with the Lolita gang. After that event, I went speed shopping (got 2 dress and 2 pairs of shoes) and headed to fort canning for Shakespeare in the park. M and I forgot our umbrellas and it started to rain. It was a first time having a picnic in the rain while enjoying SRT the tempest! I am making plans for catching Hamlet and the next Shakespeare in the park. I need to prepare a poncho and insect repellant for next year.

Ciao!

Revival